I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
