dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
