Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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