I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Come see our sink grown plant.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
