I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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