and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
