My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
