Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
