We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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