need another drink. this is the easiest way
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
