I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
