i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
God, I missed his penis.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
