I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
