Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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