so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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