Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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