at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
