why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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