Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
