i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
