Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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