if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
