Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm sobbing to NWA
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
