I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
