I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
