I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
