apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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