Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
