I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
