from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
