Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
