Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
