So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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