Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
