I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
