allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize