I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
