yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Quick, to the slutcave!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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