So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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