It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
