When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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