as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
