He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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