i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Randomize
