my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
