I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
false alarm. still invincible.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
