Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
