I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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