I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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