I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
