i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
