Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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