and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
