Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize
