She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
