I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
