Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
