I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize