life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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