I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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