Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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