Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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