yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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