my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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