i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
